My reason for bringing The Majestic Read shed back to life is to share my current journey. Since the beginning of this year I have been on what I would say a profound self-journey, digging deep, doing the self-work and getting to the source of who I am, what truly makes me tick, what brings me joy and what doesn’t. Where, with whom and how do I want to spend my precious moments walking through this life?
My partner reckons that I am in the process of having a mid-life crises, I laughed when he said this, but I think he could be correct in what he says, I will leave that for another post, I feel that is a whole topic on its own, me and my mid-life crises.
My whole life should have been a creative journey but fortunately or unfortunately it didn’t work out that way, and now here I am, a creative baby learning to crawl and bringing this blog back to life, sharing my thoughts, feelings, creations and visions. Exploring what it is to be vulnerable.
My partner Brian travels a lot and for the past 3 weeks I have found myself watching a movie series and a YouTube channel that I thought! I would NEVER watch, I am so embarrassed to admit that I have found myself, … OMG, I can’t believe I’m going to confess this on a blog …. O.K. here goes, I’ve found … myself watching the Twilight Saga and songs from American Idol! and I am OBSESSED with them! There, I said it! It’s out, you currently know my deepest darkest secret.
I have been making myself wrong, “beating myself up at how ridiculous this is and what a waste of time it is. I have been comparing myself with my creative and transformed friends who don’t watch T.V or movies. Yes, they watch YouTube, but only when they are researching something that is going to make a difference to them, something constructive, not watching bloody Twilight Saga and, yip, 30 minutes of American Idol, I even cancelled going to boot camp to watch the most surprising moments of American Idol!
When I brought this blog back to life last week, it was amazing! It had been on my mind for a while, it was energizing and felt so good. This is a safe space and each person that receives my posts directly to their e-mail is my family or best friend, they have my back and are my biggest fan’s so why is this such a big deal for me?
Day one felt so great, day two, well! The voice started, that little voice in my head was saying “Man, you are just not cut out for this creative way of being, who are you fooling? Who do you think you are? what have youpossibly got to offer people and certainly nothing of interest that anyone would want to hear, see or read, man! get back in your box!”
I could physically feel myself shrinking, I could feel the cells in my body shrinking and losing their juice, I was losing my confidence, zested and energy to continue with this blog. Even after just one post of a poem written by Jaana, the painting I’m doing, cleaning out my work area for a photography studio, being a great mother and taking my son Orlando to his extra activities. I could feel myself becoming short with him and just wanting to do nothing, just stare at the roof. I didn’t, but I certainly felt like it.
After some though of what was going on with me, I concluded that perhaps this is what my creative out let needs right now. Perhaps watching romance movies with vampires is in my future somewhere, maybe not the vampires but the storyline, the cinema photography, the colours, the script, who knows? and how about enjoying it instead of watching it and beating myself up at the same time. How about simply being present in the moment, in the romance, with Edward, the wolf guy, which one to choose? and seeing if there is anything for me to get from all this “meaningless” screen time.
A couple of days ago, whilst I was watching America’s got talent, this beautiful woman comes on stage to sing. Simon Conwell askes her, “who is this person standing next to me?”, to which she responds, “She’s my interpreter.” And she goes on to explain that she is deaf, how she lost all her hearing when she was 18 years old, at the time she was on American Idol, she was 29 years, it had been 10 years since losing her hearing. Simon asked her if she sang before she lost her hearing, and she responds with “yes, I did, but after I lost my hearing, I stopped singing.”
I am hooked, the mood shifts to that of sadness, as they scan the camera to her worried looking dad in the wings of the stage. She goes on to describes how she lost her hearing because she had a connective tissue disorder and got sick. Suddenly another judge points to her feet and says, “that’s why you are not wearing shoes?” “yes” she says, “I feel the tempo or the beat through the floor, I taught myself to sing again through muscle memory, visual tuners and TRUSTINGmy pitch. Trust, that word comes up all over my life, as I am sure for those of you reading this, it comes up all over your life to.
Simon asks her what she is going to sing, and she says a song that she wrote called Try. He asks her what it’s about and she responds with, “After I lost my hearing, I gave up, but I want to do more with my life than just give up!” – Please note that by this stage tears are quietly streaming down my face; this creative baby is sobbing.
She is then given the stage to sing. There are no words to describe how beautiful her song “Try” is, she is like an angel up on that stage and all I can think about is, she can’t hear a thing. She can’t hear the crowds clapping and screaming, she is in her own bubble of melody and song. She said that music is no longer about the sound for her, but rather the feeling. A shift in paradigm, from hearing to feeling, how beautiful is that in itself.
This moment was so profound for me. Whilst listening to her song all I could think about is what if I just disappeared into my creative bubble, what if I couldn’t feel, hear and see anyone around me? What if I spent that time honouring my thoughts, feelings, visions and intuition? What if I disappeared into a world where I couldn’t hear criticism, where I wasn’t worried about what other people think of me and my work. What if I didn’t care if my spelling and punctuation was correct or incorrect? What if I created something, and it was awful and I didn’t care, what if I was proud because I did more than just give up? What if I TRUSTEDmyself, what would be possible? and amongst all this creation, what would find me? What if I trusted YOU! My very own family, friends and fans? what if I honoured your positive and negative feedback, what if I honoured your silence and kept creating regardless?
When she finished singing, Simon Conwell pushed the golden button and she went straight through to live auditions and his words to her where “Mandy, do you know what? We have found each other!” for me that sounds like a done deal and she deserved it so much because she did more with her life, than just give up!
Mandy Harvey: Deaf Singer Earns Simon’s Golden Buzzer With Original Song – America’s Got Talent 2017